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Bud Grossmann’s
Words of the Week
for the Week of
October 28, 2012
Previously unpublished fiction.
© 2012 by Bud Grossmann.
All Rights Reserved.
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Safety Off, Hammer Back, 2012
© 2012 by Bud Grossmann
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I’M DAVID C. FISCHER
AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
From: David C. Fischer <d—@juno.com>
To: Undisclosed-recipients:;
Date: Sat, 27 Oct 2012 13:26:12 -0500
Subject: [From Dave's friend, Jim T.] Fw: Fwd: 2012 Darwin Awards
Thank you, Jim. These reports will assist me in choosing between candidates in some of the upcoming election races. I had been skeptical of what the NRA has said in messages on my voice mail. But I can now see that some candidates' alleged assaults upon Americans' rights might ultimately lead to an infringement of my Right to Be Entertained. I note that only four of the eight incidents forwarded herein involve firearms, but those four, if verified, are sufficient to cause me grave concern. Because of the urgency of this issue, I am immediately forwarding this e-mail to numerous friends of mine without my having Snopesed any but the .22 caliber fuse story.
Sincerely yours,
David C. Fischer
10/27/12
----- Forwarded Message -----
From: James T. <>
To: Jim and Geri T. <>
Date: Sat, 27 Oct 2012 08:35:25 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Fwd: 2012 Darwin Awards
I alsways get some chuckles out of the Darwin Awards. Hope you do too. Ususally, the victims seem so dumb, it's sad - but I still laugh!
Men with guns should take special note this year.
Jim
----- Forwarded Message -----
Subject: 2012 Darwin Awards
Nominee No. 1:
[ San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2:
[ Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
Nominee No. 3:
[ Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton , NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4:
[UPI, Toronto ]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.? A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.
Nominee No. 5:
[The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6:
[The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk , IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7:
[Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
Finally, THE WINNER!!!:
[ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
♦
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This page was updated Sat, Oct 27, 2012, 10:22PM CDT
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© 2012 by Bud Grossmann
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