|
Bud Grossmann’s
Words of the Week
for the Week of
October 30, 2011
Previously unpublished fiction.
© 2011 by Bud Grossmann.
All Rights Reserved.
|
| | |
Woman & Her Pet, 1995
© 1995 by Bud Grossmann
|
CATERWAULING
Friday, July 15, 2011
David Fischer, at home in Fjord, Wisconsin, more than two hundred miles distant from St. Paul, Minnesota, discovered a personals posting sometime around nine in the evening.
minneapolis craigslist > ramsey co > > personals > women seeking men
Life is weird and so are we - 50 (St Paul)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2011-07-15, 1:35AM CDT
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some of us, though, are weirder than others. I suspect I am one.
I've spent the last 30 minutes trying to write an amazing, witty follow-up to that sentence. I've written and dismissed at least four. Therein lies my problem. I don't seem to fit Craigslist any better than I fit any of the other dating sites. Rats.
I'm 50, single, never married, no kids. I have a house and am in the midst of a periodic bout of nesting/home improvement. I have cats (insert cat lady joke here) because I grew up with them, and I like them. I am gainfully employed, have a couple of bachelor degrees, read a lot, and do not suffer fools gladly. I'm mostly liberal, stupid smart (as in I'm book smart, but common sense is sometimes hard). I'm 5'4"ish, 150# - not fat, but not even close to a whip-thin runner/biker/health enthusiast. I go to the gym because it's good for me. I eat actual food, I drink because I can.
I'd talk about what I'm looking for, but let's be honest - you're more concerned about whether or not I meet your expectations. I will say that single is non-negotiable, and that I am not, in any definition of the word, a cougar.
Fischer composed a response, but when he was ready to send it, the woman's posting was no longer displayed.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Fischer attempted to contact the person whose post he had read.
minneapolis craigslist > ramsey co > > personals > women seeking men
Re: "Life is weird" St. Paul lady age 50
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2011-07-16, 10:06PM CDT
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I saw your ad Friday night and spent an hour composing a suitably weird reply, but when I went to send it, your ad was gone. Write me, won't you, please.
Fischer received no response. He checked for his own ad at 11:00 p.m. and 11:30 p.m. and saw that it was still up. At 11:43 p.m. Fischer received from Craigslist an e-mail notice that his posting had been "flagged for removal." He checked; yes, his posting was gone.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Fischer noticed the following post.
minneapolis craigslist > ramsey co > > personals > women seeking men
Women and cats: some thoughts - 50 (St Paul)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2011-07-31, 9:45PM CDT
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(And why is it only cats that are weird? What's okay about dogs or the collection of Precious Moments or Barbies or Disney memorabilia?)
It's because, if we're single, we're pretty much left with not a lot.
Single women don't get invited to much. Probably because women do most of the social planning - single men are sort of helpless and cute and flirty while single women will obviously prey on husbands.
Men have fewer difficulties removing themselves from their families to hang with their single buddies. Women need to make sure that their husband is "available to babysit" (WTF? "Babysit" their own kid?) It doesn't seem to occur to men - What? We planned this two weeks ago! But now your husband has a golf thing?
The group of girlfriends that last forever? Movie myth. If you don't have kids or a relationship you have nothing relevant to say. (Plus there's that whole "prey on husbands" thing.)
Say you do actually plan an outing and get tickets...in a heartbeat, you're done because husband suddenly has a thing and can't let the dog out. Doesn't matter if this has been planned for a month, the thing will win, and you'll be left with two $75 tickets.
Yes. I speak in sweeping generalities. But each of the above has happened to me at least once.
I'm smart. I'm funny. I'm frequently annoying in that I don't "let it slide" and call people on their crap. I like two spaces after a period. I read a lot. I spend too much time alone and am trying to find my way out. I'm single, never married, no kids. (Yes, I'm aware the "never married, no kids" seems to be some sort of flaw to many men. I think it shows that I have judgement and know how to use birth control.) I'm 5'4" and of average size and shape. I go to the gym because I should and am highly suspicious of people who say they like to work out.
Who am I looking for, you ask? Single is of paramount importance. Reasonable age - 40ish to 60? (I'm not set on that, but know that I am somewhat offended by "attracted to older women" as that reduces me to a number.) Smart, funny, likes snarky. On, and while I do get the attraction of motorcycles to men of a "certain age" - really, riding on the back for longer than 20 minutes is boring as hell.
Fischer wrote a brief e-mail. Below his "signature" he placed a link to a Web site on which Fischer posts photographs and writings identified by his real name. Nine minutes after seeing the posting titled "Women and cats: some thoughts," Fischer sent his message titled "Greetings, Cat Lady!"
From: David C. Fischer ***
To: pers-***@craigslist.org
Date: Sun, 31 Jul 2011 23:20:02 -0500
Subject: Greetings, Cat Lady!
I wish you said 60ish instead of "40ish to 60?" I'm sixty-two and not near enough to you geographically to offer you a nineteen min. motorcycle ride. But you sound fun. You posted an item July 15 "Life is weird and so are we - 50 (St Paul)", right? I spent an hour composing a suitably weird reply. Will you let me show it to you now? Count the spaces after my closing punctuation. If you find fewer than two, blame the e-mail.
All good wishes to you.
Sincerely, David C. Fischer
www.***.com
Fischer did not wait to hear back from Cat Lady. Thirteen minutes after sending his "Greetings," he sent another message, which contained what he had composed on July 16. He appended a preface and some small annotations, and he copied into it his July 15 CL posting.
Presumably Fischer's July 31 messages reached the person who posted the July 31 personals ad, but Fischer received no reply.
From: David C. Fischer ***
To: pers-***@craigslist.org
Date: Sun, 31 Jul 2011 23:33:46 -0500
Subject: Nosy Questions (Mine).
My attempt to reach you the night of July 15:
Re: "Life is weird" St. Paul lady age 50
I saw your ad Friday night and spent an hour composing a suitably weird reply, but when I went to send it, your ad was gone. Write me, won't you, please.
Nosy Questions (Mine).
See last line of my message. These questions are in response to your posting of Date: 2011-07-15, 1:35AM CDT.
1. What *are* you looking for? I'm not at all concerned about your meeting my expectations. I deny that I have any significant expectations.
2. How many definitions are there for cougar? I am your elder, so I'm not afraid of your claws.
3. Did you save the four or more rejected follow-ups to your declaration about weirdness? Did you, after posting your item, think of opening lines you might like better?
4. What leads you to conclude you didn't "fit" at dating sites? Maybe the guys you heard from were poor fits for you.
5. Why should number five be a question, just because I titled this Nosy Questions and asked you four questions already? No, for number five I just wanted to tell you I once published a cartoon about a professor nicknamed (affectionately, I hope) Weird Harold, but I misspelled Weird. "I before e except after W," isn't that weird. I also misspelled weird numerous times in a two-year exchange of pen-&-ink correspondence with a young lady when I was a young man. If we ever publish our letters, she and I, I'll probably correct the error so as not to annoy weird readers or wear out the SpellChecker on my computer.
6. What are your degrees in, what sorts of things do you read (The New Yorker, maybe? *that* would be weird!), how *do* you suffer fools?
7. You don't have to explain yourself for having cats. How do you think your cats feel about your having apologized for them? Inserting a Cat Lady joke would have been weird. And unnecessary, since the guys you are trying to attract are going to accept your word that you're weird.
8. Would it break your heart to hear that I don't live anywhere near St. Paul?
9. I meant, would your heart be broken if your ears heard that I don't...? Is this too weird too soon, my asking about body parts?
10. Sorry. We'll set #10 aside for later. [You answered it in your July 31 posting.]
11. Based on these several questions, what do you estimate, who's weirder, you or I?
12. What's so weird about life? Did you make that up yourself?
13. Is your gainful employment at a day job? Did you sleep promptly after posting your ad at one thirty in the morning Thursday night? I would have stayed up thinking about what I wrote. I would have checked for inbound mail.
14. Are you going to write back to me?
You wrote a lovely posting. I wish you well.
Sincerely yours,
David C. Fischer
10:19PM Darn it! I started writing you at 9:47PM on Friday evening, and now I'm ready to send my message, but your posting got flagged. I'm so sorry. But if you are reading this, it's bec. you posted again. Good girl.
DCF
Monday, August 8, 2011
At about 4:35 p.m., Fischer discovered a posting that mentioned no cats. It was posted under "strictly platonic" instead of "women seeking men" where the earlier postings had appeared. Nonetheless, the posting contained features Fischer found familiar.
minneapolis craigslist > ramsey co > > personals > strictly platonic
Text Me - w4m - 50 (St Paul)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2011-08-08, 11:31AM CDT
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm looking for someone to text and email. Someone who has at least half a brain, can think outside the box and can carry on a conversation...meaningful or otherwise. Must have a sense of humor. Chances of us ever meeting in person are slim but that's not set in stone. I am open minded and you should be too. I just broke up with my boyfriend and I miss the random texting. So help me through this lonely time and lets text and email. Let's start with a few emails and we will go from there. I welcome a picture but it is not required.
In general, it might be said, Fischer likes to e-mail as much as to meet women in person. He doesn't much care to meet cats at all. Fischer immediately knocked out a note and sent it.
From: David C. Fischer ***
To: pers-***@craigslist.org
Date: Mon, 8 Aug 2011 16:46:13 -0500
Subject: I'm thinking of moving to St Paul.
Well, maybe not. You're the Cat Lady, no? After chastising women whose husbands "cause" them to cancel a $75-a-seat date with you, you would have had the courtesy to write me and tell me why you are choosing not to write, I would think. Now I'm curious. Help me polish my Strictly Platonic charm.
You must not have liked my pictures at www.***.com? Wah, wah, wah, why don't you write me? I love the different tones in your three postings to which I have replied.
All good wishes as before.
Sincerely, David C. Fischer
www.***.com
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Well, whattayaknow, a posting only minutes old in "women seeking men"! Here she is again, Fischer thought.
minneapolis craigslist > ramsey co > > personals > women seeking men
I'm not sure how I came to this... - 50 (St Paul)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2011-10-18, 9:17PM CDT
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seriously. According to all the books and movies, there's supposed to be a whole great, grand, glorious and swell group of friends. I got nothing.
Maybe it's because I've always been single and never had kids, so I missed some connections along the way.
I'm not too old for Rocky Horror or live music or going out on a weeknight. I will never be old enough for appliqued sweatshirts and scrapbooking. I watch SyFy and BBCAmerica. I am attached to fun shoes.
I slide slowly into cat lady-ness and too much wine.
Fischer wrote.
From: David C. Fischer ***
To: pers-***@craigslist.org
Date: Tue, 18 Oct 2011 21:46:45 -0500
Subject: Just keeping in touch.
So nice to see you are still publishing your laments.
Yours sincerely,
David C. Fischer
Life Member, Cat Lady Fan Club
This time, how nice, Fischer received a reply.
From: s***@comcast.net
To: David C. Fischer ***
Date: Wed, 19 Oct 2011 03:03:56 +0000 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Just keeping in touch.
WTF?
A fair question, Fischer thought. He may have been too subtle in speaking to a woman drinking wine.
From: David C. Fischer ***
To: s***@comcast.net
Date: Wed, 19 Oct 2011 00:06:29 -0500
Subject: Selected Laments Authored by Cat Lady
Life is weird and so are we - 50 (St Paul)
Date: 2011-07-15, 1:35AM CDT
"I don't seem to fit Craigslist any better than I fit any of the other dating sites. Rats."
Women and cats: some thoughts - 50 (St Paul)
Date: 2011-07-31, 9:45PM CDT
"...if we're single, we're pretty much left with not a lot. / Single women don't get invited to much."
Text Me - w4m - 50 (St Paul)
Date: 2011-08-08, 11:31AM CDT
"I just broke up with my boyfriend and I miss the random texting."
I'm not sure how I came to this... - 50 (St Paul)
Date: 2011-10-18, 9:17PM CDT
"I got nothing. ... I slide slowly into cat lady-ness and too much wine."
I replied to each of those postings, and this is the first time I've heard back from you. Naturally, your whining is not what appeals to me about you. But I've had a long day, and I'm going to bed soon. I'll hope to receive something a little less curmudgeonly than "WTF" next time you write. But I'll take what you may offer.
If you don't recall my earlier efforts to amuse you, I invite you to Google my name (spell it carefully or you may end up studying a car salesman who was not me).
Please greet the kitties for me.
Goodnight, my dear.
Sincerely,
David C. Fischer
Fischer was still up, and at his screen a little after midnight, when one more e-mail arrived.
From: s***@comcast.net
To: David C. Fischer ***
Date: Wed, 19 Oct 2011 05:14:40 +0000 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Selected Laments Authored by Cat Lady.
How nice that you collect these?
Because there must be only one woman who references being a cat lady.
I back away slowly.
And block your email.
David Fischer went to bed and, with various visions of kitty-cats, drifted into sleep.
♦
|
I would welcome your thoughts on this page (or any of my
others). Write to me at the following address. Please
be sure to spell Grossmann with two n’s and
mention what page you are writing about.
Thanks! BUD GROSSMANN
|
Top of this page
|
|
